Interesting conversation with a dear friend last night over dinner. They allowed as how they were surprised I had started this blog.
Raised eyebrow. I asked in what way were they surprised.
They responded that I had spent so long not wanting to talk publicly about my disability issues and how I get treated that it was as though I was denying the monster.
Eyebrows go a bit higher. I asked for clarification.
They explained that for many years, I’ve worked very hard at refusing to talk about these things for fear of it making me that monster I didn’t want to be.
Denying the monster.
Now aside from the fact that we have 20+ years of history between us, so they know me well enough to make such statements, it gave me pause. And made me think.
The monster is a lonely beast. It believes it is the only one. Nobody else could possibly understand the monster. It is not cheerful or brave. It is bitter and angry.
One of the things I have learned is that I am not alone in this. I’m not the only one willing to acknowledge the monster (and even embrace it, at times). The other thing I have learned is to not let myself just be that monster.
So that may be the reason for this blog after all. Not to deny the monster by sheer force of will or refusal to accept its existence, but to let it be what it is. And then be more than that. If I cannot allow myself to just be the monster, I won’t let anyone else treat me as such.
Not the monster you are looking for.